"I know what I said, but it is not what I meant". They might as well put it on my tomb stone I say it so often.
I recently had a fight with my gf, DAJTM. It was over something so silly im my mind. I have recently been trying to start a hobby of woord burning or pyrography. So after a talk with my dad, who might be starting a company called siren, like the mermaid, so I thought it might be a cool idea to make a wood burn of a sexy mermaid in a classic pinup pose.
After a little thought and searching the web I remembered I had a friend who was fond of taking pinup style pics on FB. so after using one of her pics for a basis, and almost completing my pic, I mentioned to DAJTM that I used this woman as my basis. DAJTM flipped shit. She resents this woman for attempting to “steal” me when we were in college. No matter how I try to say that it was ME that broke up with her, not some woman. she still hates her and it never comes out right.
Needless to say she made me get rid of my piece, which I worked really hard on. THat broke my heart. My art is often times the only thing that keeps me from painting the walls red, if you know what I mean. Well between my anger and upsetness and DAJTMs anger and upsetness, she left for work with tears in her eyes and I was left trying to keep myself together.
After DAJTM left for work I lost my shit. I cried, i felt I needed to be punished and over all I waned to not be here anymore. Years of therapy and fear of going back to the hospital managed to keep me from killing myself and let me go on to do this theraputic post, but I wasnt able to get out of it uninjured. When I get like that I lose all control of my judgement and go with the voices in my head that never have my best interests in mind. I whipped myself with a leather belt and scratched at my shoulders with my nails until it left deep red marks.
With mental illness, these things are a sign of not being ok, but for this battle I won in the end, but it makes me wonder how long until I cant control myself and what will be the thing that finally sets me off.
I am currently in the longest wave of depression i have been in in a long time. It is so hard. I am having terrible mood swungs from mania to depressed. When I get worked up I hear voices both inside and outside my head that scare me. When it gets too loud in my head, I get a terrible headache that doesnt let up for hours and hours.
I have been trying to lose weight and be healthier, but over the last few days I have not had to mental strength to say no to the cakes and doughnuts and fastfood. This has caused me to gain back half of the weight I lose in only a few days. Self imageissues are only the half of it.
My poor girlfriend cant take my mood swings. Sometimes I get upset and project my anger at myself onto others, mainly her because I dont exactly have a support system here. She is literally all I have. She ends up getting defensive and I dont blame her but she ends up yelling at me. As anyone with any mental illness knows, it does not take much for you to feel worthless and angry at yourself when you are already on the edge.
My depression goes in one of two ways, self destructive accumpanied by voices, OR self deprivation with a numbing silence. When I get upset most often my mind turns into a dark place and a voice in the back of my head screams at me to kill myself. Whether it is with a knife or a gun or just driving my car off a bridge. It screams. Through years of therapy and just having to deal with this, I have learned to turn my mind to healthier outlets, painting, drawing or if I feel like I need to be punished for something, running until I cant breath, sitting under a hot bath, any way I can push myself until I can feel like I am a good person again. The second form is just as dangerous. This one comes in the form of not caring about myself. I want to say I lose the will to live. I sleep, mope around, dont eat. I will turn on the TV and let the world go on without me. This is the hardest thing to get out of.
For the last week or so I have been facing a lot of the first kind, the destructive. Whether it is on the ride home from work after a stressful day or a disagreement over what to do. I feel like I have a hair trigger for going to the dark place and the screaming starts. I am semi-well adjusted but I feel like I can not tell anyone about it.
The first therapist I ever saw told me to never tell anyone about my thoughts. that it would scare them and make them worry and that it was better to deal with it myself in quiet. Needless to say this led to my last major suicide attempt. I have gotten better with expressing my needs to others but I have been having a very hard time recently. I feel like I can not even bring up any kind of dark feelings without being sent back to the psych ward. This has been a big problem for me for a long time. I have devoted myself in other in the philosophy that making other happy will make me happy. this leads to a lot of “what ever you want honey”s and not very many “i need..”s. The days when I feel closed in I need to go outside but i said whatever you want and she ended up sleeping most of the day and I felt trapped because I could not say that I wanted to go out.
My head hurts now so I am going to stop typing now.
This is Iceberg, the first white orca whale on earth. Scientists studying a pod of orcas saw his pure white dorsal fin breaking the surface and followed him, thinking that this was a trick of the eye. But Iceberg is the first reported albino killer whale, living in a large pod. Behavioural experts believed that orcas would exile a whale that did not look like the rest of the pod, but since Iceberg was born, his pod has accepted him and he is living a happy and healthy life.
Proving that whales are smarter than people.
This is a fucking seal with hiccups which makes is like fifteen times funnier because they’re such ridiculous predators.
trying to train a weak pokemon and it faints so you bring in your strongest pokemon and absolutely murder them in revenge